Danger! High Postage

Talking of BBC presenters, i'm wondering if Garth Crooks will be the first one to ever fall asleep live on air. His presenting skills in the BBC coverage of the African Nations Cup have so far been laid back to say the least, and his droopy, bloodshot eyes make it look like he could drop off at any moment.
I fear that all it may take is a 0-0 draw between Morocco and Benin tomorrow and the 'Crookso' may just curl up on the studio sofa with John Salako and have a kip.
Tune in on BBC2 at about 11:20pm tomorrow to find out!

Sad to see 'Dyko' resign of course - but I don't believe that the sacking of any top level execs will have any immidiete effect on programming schedules. What we need to do is demand some sackings amongst the presenters

Steve Rider - you were fashionable briefly in 1985. Side partings are wrong and Sports Blazers do not a good outfit make - FIRED from grandstand - punishment - made to present Bowls 24 hours a day on the new BBC Bowls channel

Craig Doyle from the holiday programme - Jet setting around the world making contacts with international terrorists eh! - FIRED - punishment - made to live in Bognor Regis

Nicky Campbell - We all know about your links with international terrorists - FIRED - punishment - made to listen to the sound of his own voice forever more!

Cast of My Family - Just because its pants, alright - a 'comedy' of mass destruction! - FIRED - Robert Lindsay made to watch every episode of Citizen Smith again and then forced to make a public apology to the people of Tooting for betraying them

Sid Owen - Ricky from Eastenders - obviously connected with Osama Bin Laden - FIRED

Jim Davidson - Instant Death - Well known terrorist

Preston not in transport chaos shocker!
You read that right, there are no transport problems in Preston. The parking situation looks ok....!
That's because there is no snow!
South of Chorley there is snow
North of Lancaster there is snow
But Preston is too boring for it to actually snow. A little bit of sleet - yeah that's really interesting thanks...

I blame the local council for these quite frankly boring weather conditions. I'm used to earthquakes and the like in Birmingham.

Oscars
Bill Murray just has to win the Oscar for best actor. he has never been in a bad film EVER - fact. I challenge you to name one! Also what about those 80's classics like Caddyshack and Ghostbusters - face it, the man is a legend and lost in translation is a great film, but sadly it has little chance of winning best film. Having seen 4 out of the 5 films - Lord of the Rings probably deserves it
And what of the other nominations? its great to see City of God getting nominated as this was my absolute favourite film of last year....
I really hope Renee Zellweger doesn't win as I just don't see why people think she's so great. Disappointing that Scarlett Johansson didn't get nominated for either Girl with a pearl earring or lost in translation


But I mean - does anybody apart from the actors actually care about the oscars?

Never trust a weatherman
It's not snowing in Preston - the big fat liars

Never mind the ostriches
John Lydon getting his face pecked by ostriches is surely the televisual highlight of the year so far. Yeah ok so he's sold out punk...blah blah blah blah...but isn't it fantastic to see him run rings around those two geordie dimwits. Oh yeah and Peter Andre completely reminds me of my friend Raj - I mean not looks wise obviously as Raj is asian and is skinny, but in his mannerisms and the things he says - it's uncanny!

So I got an email from blogger saying that "sidebars have a habit of just disappearing, erm like.... sorry!"
Therefore I recommend fellow bloggers take a copy of their html code just in case.

On a brighter note, I went to a big market in Preston today and bought a copy of modern life is rubbish by blur and a video of the comic strip - bad news and more bad news - staring nigel planer, ade edmonson etc etc. all for the princely sum of two english pounds.

Where's my side bar gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fact of the day
Did you know they have no postcodes in Ireland - what kind of a crazy place is it!?!?

Victory for Keith

Well it seems the 'Preston chip shop wars' are finally over. Round the corner from my house there are two chip shops that are provocatively, some would say daringly, situated directly across the road from each other. When buying chips it becomes a case of deciding which one you think is the least unhygenic. You stand paralyzed with indecision in the middle of the road as a member of the counter staff from each shop tries to stare you in to his/her take away food emporium.
Then you nearly get runover by a taxi

Well now it seems that the chip shop war has been won by Keith's Hawaiian Chicken - as the one across the road appears to have closed down.
Either the competition from Keith was simply too much, or health and safety finally made a visit...
Interestingly some of my friends are on first name terms with Keith, and I think in fact he might be Greek....hmmmm...

Tramp Chic
A photographer came into our class today to take some photos for a new journalism department brochure. As some people may know, I have a kind of red indian attitude when it comes to having my photograph taken and I usually try to avoid it as much as possible.
Now out of the five students who were in the room I was thankfully not chosen to have my photograph taken to represent the department to the public.
It seems that looking slightly like a tramp does have it's advantages sometimes (not least that people give you their loose change)
Was it the beard that put them off taking my photo?
Possibly the long tangled hair?
Maybe the grimy woolly hat?
Or perhaps the ripped jeans?

I think though that probably the deciding factor was the dog on a piece of string that I always take to class...

You know I was complaining about there being a hole in the road outside my house with no workmen. Well now i'm complaining because there are workmen with bloody great big drills. Grrrrrrr

Bowls - not the new rock and roll
Well who says that BBC sports coverage is poor. I'm sure that all of you were practically glued to the screen watching the bowls world championships on BBC2 last week. Bowls is surely the slowest sport ever, speeding up only in the quite frankly pointless moments when one of the bowler chases after his bowl down the carpet.

And what is it with the Blue Nylon Trousers that all competitors seem obliged to have to wear? Is the tournament sponsored by Clive Mark Schoolwear or something. And I love the way that the blue trousers are so nicely topped off with white shoes and a white belt. Nice!

And what about the crowd! Are they alive? It's hard to tell as they barely actually move. They are all about 70 anyway - so it wouldn't be much of a surprise if a few of them popped their clogs because of the 'tension'.
Commentary is something that can life even the most prosaic of sports (see darts posts below!) However on this occasion the bowls commentary wasn't up to much with the best line being
"I think he's been lucky and unlucky at the same time there" - Hardly the stuff of legends...

Anyway, i'm off to rent Blackball starring Paul Kaye from the video shop to see how it should be done

Table Football Controversy
The Table football world has been rocked by scandal this week after a member of the UMIST team described the Manchester Uni team as useless and said "they haven't got a clue" . The comments, which were posted on the British Foosball Association Forum have led to players from Manchester University acusing the UMIST player of being "The Mervyn King of Table football"
The drama!

Award for most bizarre website of the day goes to The Diana-Morissey Phenomenon
Basically a Website about how Morrissey predicted the death of Princess Diana and may even have perhaps been involved in it! It includes a track by track analysis of the album The Queen is Dead showing how each song predicts the demise of Princess Di. And some people say I have too much time on my hands!

"In 1986 - eleven years before the death of Princess Diana - Morrissey and The Smiths released the album
THE QUEEN IS DEAD.
For the cover of this album whose title announces the death of a royal female, Morrissey chose a photo of
a French man named Alain,
(actor Alain Delon).
The first public announcement of Princess Diana's death was made by
a French man named Alain,
(Dr. Alain Pavie, head of the Cardiology department at Paris' Hospital de la Pitie Salpetriere)."

In the film CARRY ON CLEO referred to by Morrissey,
Actress Amanda Barrie played Cleopatra.
Amanda Barrie as Queen Cleopatra
is the last person mentioned on THE QUEEN IS DEAD.
At the time of Diana's death,
Amanda Barrie was starring as the character
'ALMA'
in the long-running British soap opera
CORONATION STREET.
Diana's death occurred in the underpass beneath
Le Place d' ALMA.
A street sign for
CORONATION STREET
is above Morrissey in his only photo on
THE QUEEN IS DEAD"


This one is the clincher for me though...

"In January of 1998, an interview was published in which Morrissey was asked about Diana:

How did you react when you heard of Princess Diana's death?
Morrissey: It was so predictable. It was expected."

Ever considered Atomic Badger Racing?

Preston parking update
Well i'm back in Preston now and I think I have to bow to public demand and give an update on the now handily acronymed Preston Parking Problem (PPP).
It seems that the council has finally worked out that by the time planning permission goes through for the Multi Story car park outside my back garden I will have moved of Preston. Instead, there are now people digging up the road right outside my front door! There is a hole in the ground right outside my house exposing some cables (though whether they are real or not is debatable). Yet I have not seen any sign of a workman since I have been back. Spooky.
These 'roadworks' have only worsened the parking problem in my street, cutting by around a third the number of spaces available in one foul swoop. I have not yet seen John to ask his opinion on the matter, perhaps he has been buried down the hole in an act of power tool assisted road rage...

Missing Kilroy?

If going cold turkey from Kilroy is just too much to bear (especially for you Paul), then why not check out the hilarious Kilroy Introduction Generator.
This handy tool generates the first two questions that he seems to ask at the start of every show!
Got a Hamster?
Witness to the second coming?
Today on Kilroy........

Carina Round is on tour

Black Country songstress Carina Round begins her first ever national tour tonight in the home of rock, Stratford! If you can't bear to wait anymore than three and a half years for the new PJ Harvey album, go and check out Wolverhampton's finest singer since Noddy Holder - though he might have been from Walsall....

Tuesday 13th - Stratford-Upon-Avon - Cox's Yard
Thursday 15th - Manchester - Life Cafe
Friday 16th - Newcastle - Northumbria University 'Bulletproof'
Saturday 17th - Glasgow - King Tuts
Monday 19th - Leeds - Josephs Wall
Tuesday 20th - Sheffield - Fez Club
Wednesday 21st - Birmingham - Flapper & Firkin
Thursday 22nd - Nottingham - Resuce Rooms
Sunday 25th - Wolverhampton - Little Civic
Monday 26th - Oxford - Zodiac
Tuesday 27th - Cardiff - Barfly
Wednesday 28th - Southampton - Joiners
Thursday 29th - London - Lock 17
Saturday 31st - Bristol - Thekla, Espionage

Well if anyone didn't feel sorry for disgraced former talkshow host Kilroy after his performance on Later with Trevor Macdonald then I suggest you have a heart of stone! He is also now blaming his article on his secretary emailing the wrong article to the Sunday Express. "No Doris, don't click on the racist one, doh!"
You just can't get the staff these days.
Tom Watson reckons that Kilroy works the audience into a frenzy before broadcast - I expect he passes around copies of the Sunday Express.

And by the way - as the BBC are still (I think) employing Jim 'Sinderella' Davidson, I sense there are some double standards going on here!

Well done big man!
Man mountain Andy Fordham made history by winning the darts yesterday. Well done to the Viking, a man who has special dispensation from the Darts authorities to wear trainers because he can't get any black slip on shoes that fit him.

"I tell people that these trainers aren't for show, I'm an athlete." - says Fordham, and i'm not going to argue with him

It seems that like snooker, darts has a dress code, though whether the code says "garishly coloured shirt with dodgy nickname on the back" is anyone's guess. I'm pleased 'The Viking' beat Mervyn King in the final, mainly because of his opponents poorly thought out nickname. I'm sorry but in my book, Mervyn 'The King' King just shows a lack of imagination.

I'm sure everyone will be pleased to know that for the foreseeable future this blog will remain a darts free zone.

Now it's only a few months until the snooker.......!

Kilroy Axed
Well i'm in shock at the news that Kilroy has been axed by the BBC.
.
Where will my mornings be without his immaculate hair, his ability to not be able to host a meaningful debate and his charcoal grey suits. We'll miss you Kilroy, you cheeky racist you!

High Drama in the Darts!

Well I've been watching darts all day. Ooh the controversy. Ahh the drama.
For my money, Bobby George's analysis is beginning to rival that of Big Ron
himself, and his jewellery is not far behind either

Well its free listing day on Ebay today, so i'm selling half of my world goods

Do you think you know yourIndie
Take this quiz to find out which indie 'genre' you like best!

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin one

After a frankly bizarre 24 hours - that have verged from the sublime to the ridiculous to the tragic. The period has included a pantomime, a funeral, a bagpiper from New Zealand and Dave Benson Phillips!
Anyway - I think it's about time to reflect on the new year period, specifically i'm talking DARTS
There are not one, but TWO rival World Championships that have been going on over the past couple of weeks. Why? i'm not quite sure - but it does ensure that there has again been a double helping of "arrow action" for fans.
Phil 'The Power' Taylor (Stoke's finest export since Slash) has won what I think is the 'proper' world title for about the millionth time and now hung up his arrows, or perhaps put them in a jar or something......
Now over the past week or so I have seen articles about darts in several broadsheet newspapers aswell as those bastions of the Middle Class, The Express and Daily Mail.
Before we continue, let me just make clear that I did not buy the Daily Mail, I read it in a doctors surgery.
What i'm talking about here is a worrying trend towards what I would call The Gentrification of Darts
For me it's really annoying when posh journalists got to the darts and think its such a 'hoot' writing about it in a condescending and ever so slightly patronising way....
Darts has no place in the Daily Mail and I hereby start the 'Real Darts' campaign - to keep darts firmly in the grimy boozer rather than the trendy wine bar.

Here are some classic quotes from master commentator Sid Waddell - the king of the overstatement

"And these two players are sweating like a couple of stevedores in a sauna"

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet, and he's in a darts orbit"

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus"

"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"

"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld."

And the classic...
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."

Training for Olympic Gold

With the Olympics in Athens approaching this year, the British will no doubt again find it hard to pick up medals. However, here is my foolproof plan to win more medals in China in 2008.

1.Train heavily in minority sports that nobody else cares about. Come on guys, we did it at the Winter Olymipics with Curling, we can do it in the summer olympics too!

Beach Volleyball - I'd like to see a Beach Volleyball training Centre set up somewhere like Skegness, Bognor Regis or Red House Park in Great Barr - and four years of intensive training for the athletes in how to play volleyball without your sunglasses falling off and getting sand in your hair.

Softball - This is basically Rounders with a bigger bat - which is reluctantly played by most British school children anyway. Kids should be encouraged to play - by making Rounders look cool. Aswell as arsing about on a rugby pitch with Johnny Wilkinson, David Beckham should do a TV Advert promoting Softball and Rounders

Water Polo - This should be made the national game of Britain instead of Football. Also the British team should always make sure they get in the pool first so they get the shallow end.

2. The British Olymipic Comittee should realise that schools are not the breeding ground for future British Sports champions. That distinction actually falls to pubs.
Look at the evidence - British blokes are always champions at Snooker and Darts. Also from the look of their bellys, many of our triumphant "Rugby Heroes" have spent plenty of time in drinking establishments.
In pub beer gardens, we have the perfect facilities to train our sports stars of tomorrow.

Let's see beach volleyball courts set up in pub car parks.
Let's see Gymnastic Equipment instead of adventure playgrounds
And how about Greco-Roman Wrestling arenas instead of pool tables?

Fireworks and Falafels
After returning from Amsterdam I can conclude that the Dutch apply the same relaxed attitude to firework safety as they do to soft drugs and prostitution. I reckon I am one of very few people who can say that they saw the new year in whilst cowering in a bus shelter. I can only assume that nobody in Holland has ever heard of the fireworks code. It was all very exciting actually, mixed with that element of danger. Like whether that slightly drunk man standing behind you is really doing to light that enormous rocket.....and why is he pointing it towards me......RUN!
We also had some amazing Falafels from a takeaway Falafel shop. For anybody that doesn't know, Falafels are little balls of Chickpeas with some other exciting stuff like cumin and garlic, which you have in a pittabread with salad, and they are delicious.
Sadly I can't find anywhere to buy fresh Falafels from in Birmingham - so I may be forced to open my own Falafel takeaway soon in Brum - unless anyone knows that one already exists.
I know you can buy them frozen from Sainsbury's, but it's just not the same!

Wow - check out this page - they deliver Falafels all over America.
"Ever thought of having a Falafel party?", it cheekily asks us at the bottom of the page. Well you bet I have, and I like the sound of having some airlifted in from America.

Best of....
Just got back from Amsterdam and felt the need to post some end of year best of's as everyone else seems to do. I'm a day late but hey forgive me. A big hello to my MP Tom Watson who has left a comment for me!

Stay tuned to find out my definitive list for what will be cool in 2004. Some of last years correct predictions included - Beards, Punk Funk and extreme ironing.

Top five albums of 2003 (in the indie alternative type genre)
5. Tom McRae - Just Like Blood
4. The Kills - Keep on Your Mean Side
3. Carina Round - The Disconnection
2. The Rapture - Echoes
1. Yeah Yeah Yeah's - Fever to Tell

Top Five Films of 2003
5. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
4. 25th Hour
3. Adaptation
2. Igby Goes Down
1. City of God