Wednesday, November 23

Jimmy Nail - A Legend Returns
Don't you often wonder, particularly on those long and lonely winter nights, what happened to the legend that is Jimmy Nail? There are so many things that he could be doing with his talent, manager of a boyband, appearing in Byker Grove, UN Goodwill Ambassador, first team coach at Newcastle United, male model, travelling shoe salesman.... the list is endless.

If you want to know about Jimmy Nail's fantastic music and TV career, you can read his autobiography

Jimmy clearly needs something to do with his time, as well as a steady income to keep him supplied with footwear made from endangered animal skin.

Likewise, his adoring fans need him to be in the public eye and for his profile to remain high.

An ideal solution would have been to see him appear on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – but sadly the Australian Crocodile Action Front (ACAF) heard about this and issued a veiled threat of shoe related violence to scupper this…

Behold… The Geordiegraph…

The Geordiegraph is a regional variation on the classic polygraph lie detector machine*. Featuring the dulcet tones of Jimmy Nail, the Geordiegraph will tell you if the person you are talking to is telling the truth or lying like a dirty faced scoundrel.

The machine uses samples from the classic Jimmy Nail song Ain’t No Doubt, which spent three weeks at the top of the UK charts in 1992.

The premise is simple. Electrodes emblazoned with the smiling face of Jimmy Nail are attached to chest, face and big toe of the person you are testing. Then when they talk, if they are telling the truth Jimmy sings “Ain’t no doubt it’s plain to see”, and when they are telling a bare faced lie, he sings “She’s lying”. Simple but surprisingly effective, just like the lyrics of The Nailmeister himself.

Remember, the Geordie accent is often voted as one of the most trustworthy, and besides, if you can't trust Jimmy Nail then who can you trust?

The Geordiegraph has been proved by top scientists from the University of Tyneside to be 89% accurate.

The Geordiegraph makes an ideal Christmas gift and is priced £74.99 – available from all good High Street stores.

* Note: A prototype version of the Scousergraph featuring Ian McCulloch (the singer, not the snooker player), was also developed, though this won’t go into mass production. The Scousergraph features the warbling tones of the surly raincoat clad Echo and the Bunnymen vocalist, singing his famous line “Spare us the cutter”.

Unfortunately the only use for the Scousergraph that could be found is when buying an unsliced loaf of bread in Greggs and you are asked, by the slightly over friendly assistant, whether you would like it sliced. It’s true that some people prefer the unsliced loaf, but sadly not enough to warrant a large-scale production of the Scousergraph.