Tuesday, February 22

The search for the holy towel
This morning I discovered that I have lost my towel, or perhaps it was stolen by a jealous German who desperately wanted to dry his hands on a classic Birmingham City FC memento.

Therefore I have been out and about in Köln looking for a new one, but I think I can now conclude that either Germans don´t use towels, or there is a special, secret shop where they go and buy them, as I couldn´t find one anywhere!

My search again highlighted an inescapable fact. All German supermarkets are shit.

Checkout assistants are miserable and do that thing where they scan all your stuff through as fast as possible, leaving it in a big pile at the bottom of the till, and the second you´ve paid they start scanning the stuff bought by the next person, forcinf you to hurry and drop your yogurt all over the floor (or is that just me?)

Here´s a handy print out and keep German Supermarket reference guide for you all:

In England Spar is your average neighbourhood shop. In Germany it is the
number one Supermarket in town. Believe me, if you find one of these babies you´ve hit the jackpot.

Next up we have Aldi, which is good because you can buy mineral water for about 15p for a 2 litre bottle. Whereas in the UK, Aldi is shunned by most people as being far to common and cheap, over here it ranks second in the charts.

Next down is Lidl, which is pretty much similar to the one in Hamstead (for all you Great Barr Supermarket lovers). The major difference is that in German Lidl´s you can buy a bottle of disgusting beer for 12p. Marvellous.

Descending even further into the abyss we have Plus. This place is seriously bad. Shelves full of rotting fruit are complemented by a selection of CDs that make a British service station look like a top class record shop. Avoid at all costs.

And finally, at the bottom of the ladder is a supermarket called Pennymarkt. A shop so bad that you fell that even Jimmy Tarbuck or Ally McCoist wouldn't have stooped so low to advertise it! Yes it´s even worse than Farm Foods. Think of a mix of all the worst bits of Aldi, Lidl, Poundland, Poundstretcher and the much missed Steve`s Discount Market in West Bromwich and you still have't realised the horror of it all.

After seriously considering buying a manky, puce coloured hand towel from a discount Chinese wholesalers, I found the holy grail. A chemist with a large towel selection. And what a beautiful sight it was.....