Sunday, July 18
I've known some characters over the years, but Kebab Man has to up there near the top of the list. I lived with him for two years whilst I was at university and in that time I think he showered maybe twice - no exaggeration. He also once shared a bath with one of my other housemates during a brief romantic liaison, but lets gloss over that - I may tell you about it another time...
Now he was a man who basically liked three things in life: Kebabs, beer and Fray Bentos pies. I'm still sure that one of the finest days in his life was when they opened a kebab machine in the Union. He was known to eat up to three kebab's in a single evening - he himself was a kebab eating machine.
Basically I ended up living with him due to some bizarre twist of fate (or perhaps the university couldn't find anyone else who wanted to share a flat with him).
As you've probably already gathered, cleanliness wasn't his strongpoint, yet he still somehow managed to be a hit with the ladies. How did he manage this I often wondered? I came to the conclusion that it was most likely due to the laws of probability - hang around in the Union long enough and you'll get lucky.
Academically Kebab Man's studies left quite a lot to be desired. I believe he failed the first year once before he managed to get through, then he failed the second year at least twice. I think the way he managed to stay at the university was by killing off one of his relatives every year - not literally (though I wouldn't have been surprised if there were dead bodies in his room, judging by the smell) - What I mean is that he told the university one of his family had died, to get special dispensation. Finally I think he ran out of relations and when he told the university his goldfish had died, they kicked him out.
Then there was the time he nearly sat the flat on fire. I had got up about one in the afternoon, as I tended to do whilst at university. And I was enjoyed my daily ritual of a long soak in the bath before watching Bergerac (halcyon days). Kebab Man was cooking pasta (an exciting meal for him) and claimed to have asked me to keep an eye on it - even though I was just about to go and have a bath. Anyway about half an hour later the fire alarm goes off and as I open the bathroom door, I am greeted by thick black smoke in the kitchen, as Kebab Man had fallen asleep - I then had to hastily dress and go downstairs to wait for the fire brigade.
After I left university I lost touch with Kebab Man - he was believed to have returned to London - possibly to work in a takeaway.
Kebab Man I salute you.